We live alone.

This is probably the most striking lessons I have learnt during the last few months.

Definitely one of the hardest.

Throughout primary school and secondary school, our teachers encourage us. Our parents provide us with support. They want us to succeed, to give us the strongest start in life. At some point we have to begin our own lives. We have to find a way to encourage ourselves. Ultimately, we live alone.

We live our own lives. We share our stories of life with family and friends since they don’t experience our lives first hand. This makes oral story telling so vital. If we are unable to share our memories, life lessons and skills engagingly, they lose interest. Granted they still love us, but we lose an element of social interaction.

At some point the scaffolding that has been there to support us though younger stages of development will be removed. But if, for some reason, we have cheated the system to achieve high marks, appear popular or be momentarily satisfied, the removal of the scaffolding is all the harder.

Perhaps this triggers the onset of depression during the late teens. Particularly during high achievers. Relatively its easy to gain full marks: Find the syllabus. Find a revision guide. Cram. 95%. A*.

I’ve learnt that this is toxic for future development. This method does not stimulate interest, creative thinking or engagement; skills that are unbelievably vital in other areas of life. But for those who have depended on this method soon hit a brick wall at A level/ IB/ university.

  • We haven’t LEARNT how to sustain interest in a course.
  • We haven’t LEARNT how to revise methodically.
  • We haven’t LEARNT how to learn WITHOUT the provision of information in a neat concise booklet.
  • We haven’t LEARNT how to summarise new information.
  • We need to learn how to USE our knowledge rather than RECALL it. 

While “blaming” our parents or teachers for not giving us this skill is attractive, now it is our turn to help ourselves. For how can we expect others to help us if we are too lazy to help ourselves? We are aware that we lack self motivation or self discipline. Thus it is our duty to fulfil our own ambitions.

I do not mean that we shouldn’t seek help from other people. Only that we must not depend on them to give us what we need. They have lives too.

We live alone.

Who we define ourselves is due to our own choices.

There is always a choice.

Choose your own identity.

Don’t let it be chosen for you.


Seven Unsuccesses

Alas here I am, legs crossed, supporting an apple macbookpro on one knee and a bowl of nuts on the other. Bloodshot eyes, cosy dressing down on. Textbooks, papers and literature spewed all over the floor. White desk covered in flashcards, papers, pens.

Writing a blog that explicitly publicises my doubts regrets and what-ifs is more than likely more harmful than good. I beg to differ. A problem shared is a problem halved.

Initially this post was called fourteen failures but I wanted to reflect a slightly more optimistic approach to this forthcoming list; so I halved to seven. Seven unsuccesses. Sibilance. Go English Lit.

This afternoon I had a breakdown here’s why:

  1. Exams start next week
  2. I need 38 IB points and 7 SL Maths
  3. I suffered from Glandular Fever which subtracted a week and a half of revision
  4. My revision has not been productive
  5. I focused too much on the “future” that I forgot to account for the present
  6. If I dont get 38 points and 7 SL maths I dont go to Durham
  7. If I dont get 38 points I cant get to Nottingham
  8. Then I have to go through clearing. Where will I end up
  9. What will results day bring? I have done shit all when it counts
  10. I have lost motivation to work
  11. I promised myself Id get 43 points
  12. I promised myself id work hard
  13. I promised myself that I’d have a brilliant body for summer
  14. Is economics even right for me?
  15. What am I doing with my life?
  16. What is life? Why is life.
  17. What right do I have to compare myself to people I think have “better lives” or “better opportunities” than I, when there are millions of people who have risked their lives from persecution, civil wars, economic strife fora better life. I sit on a soft mattress with nutritious food, a roof over my head, family. Yet this appreciation for my social position concerns my previously highly held ambition.
  18. I’ve tried so hard throughout IB and GCSE, what has changed?

I read a Quora post that argued that instead of aiming for dreams, aspirations, focusing on routine is more important and exponentially raises the chance of reaching it. Another blog post promoted creating a goal for every activity to avoid mindlessly living.

Seven Unsuccesses:

  1. Told myself to restrict my social life, but sacrificed study for it.
  2. No english essay practice completed
  3. Lost motivation to study (what am I doing, writing this post?!)
  4. I promised myself I’d get fit for summer
  5. I promised myself I’d get all my notes done and be completing past papers
  6. I promised myself I’d eat well, and go to bed early
  7. I promised myself I’d be prepared.

TBH I felt far better after writing the first 18 list. Now I dont.


I feel trapped in a hole, unable to break out of it. There’s not enough time to prepare enough so what’s the point to even try?

I did a maths past paper. Would have just scraped a 6. Tried an Econ Paper 1 paper, ran out of time.

I thought I’d be so prepared for this shit. I was so prepared in Y12. What happened?


Let me reiterate that:



I aim to sacrifice my social life until the 17th of May 2017. That being said, it’s still important to talk to people, go out and destress, alongside stretching out my poor right hand from frantically scribbling notes. I do enjoy revising, studying, even. I like the structure and fact that I am in complete control over my results. Although I am interested in, say, English essays, and delving into books, I find it particularly challenging to bring the book to life throughout the essay, by selecting appropriate quotes to construct strong arguments. On the other hand, revision is voluntary. I know what I have to learn, the time frame and I like the knowledge that during this time I will not receive big projects with deadlines. Yet I enjoy coursework too. I am a pedantic student, a perfectionist, and I aspire to be the best that I can be.

The only trouble is that I seem to be unable to be the best at social life too. Maybe the reason I enjoy exam season is that everyone else is confined to their desks; drama virtually non-existent; social gatherings postponed until after exams. It is during this time that I can excel in my introversion. It is possible to focus on myself rather than on the opinions of other people.

After my final exam, I will be sociable as an otter. (Imagine a cute one). Summer 2015 was phenomenal. I went out every evening, looked after my body, went to bed early, ran, ate well. I want this Summer 2017 to surpass it.

On reflection, I feel that I get stressed by exams, by school easily even though I enjoy it. The balance between social and academia is a challenge I aim to surpass. During the year, I tend not to go out a lot. Hang out in the study area. And my general knowledge is pretty poor in regards to general general knowledge and friendship general knowledge; without school I learn more about other people, about myself and I go out into London, or meet up with friends often. This, however, is unsustainable. When I start work, there will be no “final exams”. When I start university, there is no excuse for me not to make good friends. In reality, it is vitally important to learn how to make more acquaintances, friends and be marginally more popular. For networking reasons. I cannot afford not to lose friendships that I have made.

My body weight determines how sociable I feel. If I have eaten badly that week such as bowls of cereal after school, bread or biscuits or not restraining my carb intake with the amount of exercise I do, my cheeks inflate, and I lose cheekbone definition.

Reasons I get lazy with my diet:

  1. Complacency: I work out until I am happy with my shape, and then believe I will magically retain it.
  2. That time of the month: I like my cereals ok. Every fricken’ month.
  3. Tiredness. Go to bed late (because studying at 12am is totally productive, and then I have to message people) and the following day I just don’t want to sleep. Side note: Am I scared of sleeping?- that’s a topic I’ll talk about on another post.
  4. I watch Suits/Billions at like 4pm after school to relax, and when no one is with me I sneak into the kitchen and make myself some lunch but once I finish that, the programme hasn’t finished so I tend towards cereals, bread, sandwich, and before I know it it’s all gone downhill.

About three weeks ago I was very motivated with my health. Went to gym daily, skipped lunch, scrambled egg or porridge for breakfast. Normally sized dinner. I was more confident, so I spoke more. Maybe I don’t socialise a lot when I feel disgusting because I don’t want people to look at me? Back then, I was confident. At the moment, not so much.


Exam season allows me to focus on myself. There is more freedom to study how I want to. I am not confined my homework projects, but I am free to allocate my time to how it is most efficient, which also means going to the gym and running, as well as eating well.

One of my tasks over summer is to figure out how to make my health a complementary part of my academic life to reach the social scholarly balance.



I wish my name was adenine. So I could get paired with U. #IBBiologyRevision


The language of manipulation

The downfalls of flirtatiously texting presented themselves last night.

It’s R again. Law student that he is, he has the ability to hold and control conversation in a direction that flatters himself as well as myself. Thus I return for more everytime.

I am jealous, confused about this situation. What are his intentions? What has he hold his friends? Who am I presented as?

Yesterday I found he was tagged in several photos from a formal dinner. Looked dashing. Claimed he had met some “random girl who kept tagging me in photos”. Apparently she had “dry conversation” and then complimented me for being able to match his banterous statements.

That’s code for switching the perspective to limit my a) judgement b) uninterest c)jealousy d) requirement for explanation e) presentation of being an outrageous flirt.

Why? I hung out with his friends who have on multiple accounts said the same thing about C.

Oh also, he was tagged in a post “why assholes love watches” by CB, who is known for being an outrageously charming woman. So when I saw her name and her comments, I was taken aback.

I was irritated.

I was suspicious of him

  • Ostentatious watch post by CB
  • “random girl”
  • “I talk to girls who can match me”

I wanted to know what he thought about me so obviosly I made the conversation awkward to have the chat about his intentions with me when I come up to his university next week for a tour. He spoke about how he’s against messy nights and that he would prefer to keep girl friends as friends to protect a friendship. Which I 100% agree with. But then conversation turned to a clear explanation of our intentions. Removes all fliratious excitement.

What are my intentions with being friends with R? Talking to him? I was presumptuous to think that I would ever have a more serious thing with him. Premature.

I love the way he expresses himself. Consise. Focused. Meaningful. I have noticed I write with basic language. Speak even less coherently. Language is a barrier that I desire to overcome.

What makes good language? What is the importance of elocution. Elocution provokes response. Why is my vocabulary so weak? Because I don’t read enough.

I found a glossary of positive nouns that should help me express myself effectively. The main aim is to use at least three word in a verbal and written conversation and gradually grow my usage.


Am I too attached? Maybe.

I feel like i have no support group

But I do

But I dont talk to my friends enough to keep them updated with what i am doing

What if they’re not interested in what im doing?


It seems like everyone has a plan.

They all know their intentions. Purposes. Goals.

I need goals.

I need a plan

A long term plan.


First step: Talk with purpose, authority and intention.


Who am I presented as?


We all have our opinions on people: R is full of himself. K is agressive and self centred. E perfectly manipulates conversation to her advantage. S will go far because he is driven and loves film production. O has found his muse. M have created an identity from the way that they hold themselves in all areas of life. E is a positive influence.

Simultaneously they all have opinions about me, who they think that I am from my actions and conversations.

Yesterday I caught myself muttering “Why does he have to be so moral?” and openly telling people “I’m such a bad influence” (I like my spirits). But this is the complete opposite to how I want to be.

I want to be the perfect girl.

I want to have innocent fun at a party. By that I mean spending time with my friends rather than getting off with a guy I’ve not met before.

I want to be moral. I want to be able to argue my decisions. In fact I want to be self disciplined. How can I not be moral? I don’t understand from where this statement has emerged.


Actions speak louder than words. Despite this, I have constructed a barrier between what I really mean, internally, and what I externally do. I justify my external actions with “I don’t really mean that, and I’m sure they know that too.”

Which brings me to my next question: Do other people experience this internal/external conflict?

This brings benefits such as being able to reflect on myself, but it also hinders my social interactions because the focus shifts from bettering myself to being concerned with other people’s judgements.

On one side, society advertises that I shouldn’t care about what other people think of me. Yet surely this is detrimental to my future endeavours when I need a favour, a job, trust, money, and most importantly: respect?

When I focus on what other people think of me, it overwhelms me. Then I become insecure and start to think that everyone is talking about me. Then I become very self conscious, don’t go out, dont tell people what’s going on in my life, anxiety builds up, stress, depression, stop going to gym, eat musli, get chubby and unhappy. A self perpetuating cycle.


I realise that being perfect is impossible.

It requires that I focus on what other people think of me.

Shifts away focus on study to social.

Grades fall. Social events rise.


Focus shift is undesirable.

Balance is needed.

How do I find the perfect balance?

What is perfection?

Is it my own construct? I suppose so.


I want 45 points. How do I do this?

Study. Sleep. Study. SnapChat. Gym. Study. Repeat.


I want a fu!king fit body. How do I do this?

Eat veg. Run. Stretch. 3 bottles of water. Sleep.

Reduce intake of paracetamol and caffeine tablets to max 3 per week.


I want determine my career path. How do I do this?

Find several summer jobs. Talk to neighbours for advise.


I want a circle of good friends. How do I do this?

Last year I had a fantastic squad. Left for uni. Left me here.

One step at a time.

Repair some sort of friendship with SLB. Meet every friday?



This is not the time for making social goals, but I am struggling to balance my time betweeen messenger, texting, whatsapp, snapchat, The Student Room, Quora.


I don’t understand how people can reply so quickly.

I mean, I have a life outside of my phone.

I detest being stuck to it.

I don’t want it to be my significant other.

Links to social expectations. Again.

Yet digital communication IS the way forward.

I have to suck it up and find someway to balance my social time and study time:

reply immediately? reply every hour? reply as soon as I wake up?

It’s not a good idea to have set times to talk otherwise people will get irritated with my lack of communication.

P mentioned it is vital to keep talking to people about what they are doing in their day to day life so that in big group meet ups it’s not a struggle having conversations with everyone as their current activities, opinions and state of mind are known.



What do I know of man’s destiny? I could tell you more about radishes.

S. Beckett


Blast to the Past

I have been asked out on valentines day by R.

While I’m looking forward to it, I can’t help but question our entire friendship/relationship.

Where his intention lies in our relationship, what he envisages and he reasons for spending time with me in the first place.


I feel in-superior to him.

Reason A: Achieved 45/45 IB points

Reason B: Accepted to best law firm in London

Reason C: Generally interesting, articulate and intelligent

Reason D: Has enough money to sacrifice for experiences/travel/good food


I feel like I can’t compare to him, like he lives on another planet, another entire level to my existence.

I want to know what he sees in me. Not to boost my self confidence but to find out what other people find attractive in me because I am very self aware that guys only flirt with girls to achieve certain physical pleasures.

I would rather woo with the metaphysical than physical.


Also I never know if he is exaggerating when we message. He replies constantly faster than I do, hopefully because he is a fast typer but what interests me is how he creates concepts and ways of controlling the conversation in seconds. For example, I brought up gym and exercising from which he then presents himself as a master of yoga techniques for two. Again, I told him I have been designated chef for two weeks, then he asks if I am a good cook and adds that he is a good cook, which is an attractive quality in a guy. Which then twists the conversation towards his flawless qualities. Obviously it’s not cool to say I am a phenomenal cook because that would be lying but then I can’t also bring myself down either by saying I can cook decently. In short, I have learnt R takes risks by allusions to ideas which I then reply to in a way that reveals my true character without knowing his.


On the other hand I know that not everything is planned to the detail. I am probably obsessing over everything, which is arguably acceptable because he can present himself in a positive light while I am analysing him in a blog post. Wow this is alarming.


On the way home from Pret, I tried to remember where we met, so here is a brief time line:

Feb/March 2016: Met at friend G’s party, R arrived to party with good friend N. I did not really talk to both because they were far too attractive to talk to.

March 2016: Started dating N

April/May/June: Still dating N, went on a walk with R to a park I think?? All I remember was talking about summer plans looking over W-Park Lake. I can’t remember where I met, and what we did afterwards

June/july: still dating N, went to Prom. Prom photo of N and R (with me in middle)

July: Broke up with N,

Oct: N and R go to same uni

Dec/Jan: see N at bar, awkward convo

Jan: chilled catch up with R, turned into more than catch up in P- Boathouse after some wine.   When he returned from interview we met up again, expected things to be more physical but no, which I am happy about. Slightly awkward convo because sc was very innuendo heavy

Now: Asked me out for V-day


morally conflicted …




What do I have to say?

Really. What is my purpose?

What character am I?


Character? Certainly a character.

Just an empty character in someone else’s story.


Humans; Homo sapiens decidedly ignore that we are actually insignificant.

As individuals, we were not created as the main character in society. Instead it is our responsibility to make ourselves the life we want.


While I hold a hypothetical  ideology that I am the protagonist in my life

Am I really that life changing to others?

Do I have a story? My own story?


How much would my autobiography be worth?


Actually the right question to ask is

would anyone pick up my life story in the first place?

Would they read the final words? Or find something better to do?


Three ways to create a best selling narrative:

Plan every social interaction. Make notes on conversation. Desire conventional ambitions.

Carpe diem. YOLO. Do as my present desires hope for.

Create an ideal. Do something long term. Live for others.


Yet none of these options really appeal to me despite the final method appearing to be most favourable.


What I struggle most with is conversation. I feel like I have nothing useful to say.

Damned filter.

Intrinsically I know that the only way I can get better is by talking more, opening up and sharing myself,

but the problem is- I think that I have nothing worth sharing. I lack humour, sarcasm and an inventive mindset.


Perfectionism. A tragic, tragic flaw.



This is not a story. We can write our own lives.

This means we can manipulate our own character.

Erase a so called predetermined character.


It’s strange how little I know about my friends at school although I’ve known them for a year and a half. The fact that they are good friends already conveys me as an outsider which I feel like I can’t change. What if I start talking to them now? I will not be as good friends with them as they are with eachother.

One of my biggest preconceptions is that they talk about me between eachother. It’s understandable. Because I was the first girl to meet a guy personally at a party. So really I’m this pretty face with no social skills.

While the most important thing until May is revision, I can’t help but worry what I am doing with myself. I can argue that all of my good friends are away at Uni, they are moving on with students up there while I’m left at home, trying to perfect my work and school life.


Do I even have a purpose?

Or am I waiting.


Nothing comes of nothing

W. Shakespeare