Alas here I am, legs crossed, supporting an apple macbookpro on one knee and a bowl of nuts on the other. Bloodshot eyes, cosy dressing down on. Textbooks, papers and literature spewed all over the floor. White desk covered in flashcards, papers, pens.
Writing a blog that explicitly publicises my doubts regrets and what-ifs is more than likely more harmful than good. I beg to differ. A problem shared is a problem halved.
Initially this post was called fourteen failures but I wanted to reflect a slightly more optimistic approach to this forthcoming list; so I halved to seven. Seven unsuccesses. Sibilance. Go English Lit.
This afternoon I had a breakdown here’s why:
- Exams start next week
- I need 38 IB points and 7 SL Maths
- I suffered from Glandular Fever which subtracted a week and a half of revision
- My revision has not been productive
- I focused too much on the “future” that I forgot to account for the present
- If I dont get 38 points and 7 SL maths I dont go to Durham
- If I dont get 38 points I cant get to Nottingham
- Then I have to go through clearing. Where will I end up
- What will results day bring? I have done shit all when it counts
- I have lost motivation to work
- I promised myself Id get 43 points
- I promised myself id work hard
- I promised myself that I’d have a brilliant body for summer
- Is economics even right for me?
- What am I doing with my life?
- What is life? Why is life.
- What right do I have to compare myself to people I think have “better lives” or “better opportunities” than I, when there are millions of people who have risked their lives from persecution, civil wars, economic strife fora better life. I sit on a soft mattress with nutritious food, a roof over my head, family. Yet this appreciation for my social position concerns my previously highly held ambition.
- I’ve tried so hard throughout IB and GCSE, what has changed?
I read a Quora post that argued that instead of aiming for dreams, aspirations, focusing on routine is more important and exponentially raises the chance of reaching it. Another blog post promoted creating a goal for every activity to avoid mindlessly living.
- Told myself to restrict my social life, but sacrificed study for it.
- No english essay practice completed
- Lost motivation to study (what am I doing, writing this post?!)
- I promised myself I’d get fit for summer
- I promised myself I’d get all my notes done and be completing past papers
- I promised myself I’d eat well, and go to bed early
- I promised myself I’d be prepared.
TBH I felt far better after writing the first 18 list. Now I dont.
I feel trapped in a hole, unable to break out of it. There’s not enough time to prepare enough so what’s the point to even try?
I did a maths past paper. Would have just scraped a 6. Tried an Econ Paper 1 paper, ran out of time.
I thought I’d be so prepared for this shit. I was so prepared in Y12. What happened?