Focus

Who am I presented as?

 

We all have our opinions on people: R is full of himself. K is agressive and self centred. E perfectly manipulates conversation to her advantage. S will go far because he is driven and loves film production. O has found his muse. M have created an identity from the way that they hold themselves in all areas of life. E is a positive influence.

Simultaneously they all have opinions about me, who they think that I am from my actions and conversations.

Yesterday I caught myself muttering “Why does he have to be so moral?” and openly telling people “I’m such a bad influence” (I like my spirits). But this is the complete opposite to how I want to be.

I want to be the perfect girl.

I want to have innocent fun at a party. By that I mean spending time with my friends rather than getting off with a guy I’ve not met before.

I want to be moral. I want to be able to argue my decisions. In fact I want to be self disciplined. How can I not be moral? I don’t understand from where this statement has emerged.

 

Actions speak louder than words. Despite this, I have constructed a barrier between what I really mean, internally, and what I externally do. I justify my external actions with “I don’t really mean that, and I’m sure they know that too.”

Which brings me to my next question: Do other people experience this internal/external conflict?

This brings benefits such as being able to reflect on myself, but it also hinders my social interactions because the focus shifts from bettering myself to being concerned with other people’s judgements.

On one side, society advertises that I shouldn’t care about what other people think of me. Yet surely this is detrimental to my future endeavours when I need a favour, a job, trust, money, and most importantly: respect?

When I focus on what other people think of me, it overwhelms me. Then I become insecure and start to think that everyone is talking about me. Then I become very self conscious, don’t go out, dont tell people what’s going on in my life, anxiety builds up, stress, depression, stop going to gym, eat musli, get chubby and unhappy. A self perpetuating cycle.

Actions

I realise that being perfect is impossible.

It requires that I focus on what other people think of me.

Shifts away focus on study to social.

Grades fall. Social events rise.

 

Focus shift is undesirable.

Balance is needed.

How do I find the perfect balance?

What is perfection?

Is it my own construct? I suppose so.

 

I want 45 points. How do I do this?

Study. Sleep. Study. SnapChat. Gym. Study. Repeat.

 

I want a fu!king fit body. How do I do this?

Eat veg. Run. Stretch. 3 bottles of water. Sleep.

Reduce intake of paracetamol and caffeine tablets to max 3 per week.

 

I want determine my career path. How do I do this?

Find several summer jobs. Talk to neighbours for advise.

 

I want a circle of good friends. How do I do this?

Last year I had a fantastic squad. Left for uni. Left me here.

One step at a time.

Repair some sort of friendship with SLB. Meet every friday?

 

Social

This is not the time for making social goals, but I am struggling to balance my time betweeen messenger, texting, whatsapp, snapchat, The Student Room, Quora.

 

I don’t understand how people can reply so quickly.

I mean, I have a life outside of my phone.

I detest being stuck to it.

I don’t want it to be my significant other.

Links to social expectations. Again.

Yet digital communication IS the way forward.

I have to suck it up and find someway to balance my social time and study time:

reply immediately? reply every hour? reply as soon as I wake up?

It’s not a good idea to have set times to talk otherwise people will get irritated with my lack of communication.

P mentioned it is vital to keep talking to people about what they are doing in their day to day life so that in big group meet ups it’s not a struggle having conversations with everyone as their current activities, opinions and state of mind are known.

 

____

What do I know of man’s destiny? I could tell you more about radishes.

S. Beckett

___

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