I have been asked out on valentines day by R.
While I’m looking forward to it, I can’t help but question our entire friendship/relationship.
Where his intention lies in our relationship, what he envisages and he reasons for spending time with me in the first place.
I feel in-superior to him.
Reason A: Achieved 45/45 IB points
Reason B: Accepted to best law firm in London
Reason C: Generally interesting, articulate and intelligent
Reason D: Has enough money to sacrifice for experiences/travel/good food
I feel like I can’t compare to him, like he lives on another planet, another entire level to my existence.
I want to know what he sees in me. Not to boost my self confidence but to find out what other people find attractive in me because I am very self aware that guys only flirt with girls to achieve certain physical pleasures.
I would rather woo with the metaphysical than physical.
Also I never know if he is exaggerating when we message. He replies constantly faster than I do, hopefully because he is a fast typer but what interests me is how he creates concepts and ways of controlling the conversation in seconds. For example, I brought up gym and exercising from which he then presents himself as a master of yoga techniques for two. Again, I told him I have been designated chef for two weeks, then he asks if I am a good cook and adds that he is a good cook, which is an attractive quality in a guy. Which then twists the conversation towards his flawless qualities. Obviously it’s not cool to say I am a phenomenal cook because that would be lying but then I can’t also bring myself down either by saying I can cook decently. In short, I have learnt R takes risks by allusions to ideas which I then reply to in a way that reveals my true character without knowing his.
On the other hand I know that not everything is planned to the detail. I am probably obsessing over everything, which is arguably acceptable because he can present himself in a positive light while I am analysing him in a blog post. Wow this is alarming.
On the way home from Pret, I tried to remember where we met, so here is a brief time line:
Feb/March 2016: Met at friend G’s party, R arrived to party with good friend N. I did not really talk to both because they were far too attractive to talk to.
March 2016: Started dating N
April/May/June: Still dating N, went on a walk with R to a park I think?? All I remember was talking about summer plans looking over W-Park Lake. I can’t remember where I met, and what we did afterwards
June/july: still dating N, went to Prom. Prom photo of N and R (with me in middle)
July: Broke up with N,
Oct: N and R go to same uni
Dec/Jan: see N at bar, awkward convo
Jan: chilled catch up with R, turned into more than catch up in P- Boathouse after some wine. When he returned from interview we met up again, expected things to be more physical but no, which I am happy about. Slightly awkward convo because sc was very innuendo heavy
Now: Asked me out for V-day
morally conflicted …