Blast to the Past

I have been asked out on valentines day by R.

While I’m looking forward to it, I can’t help but question our entire friendship/relationship.

Where his intention lies in our relationship, what he envisages and he reasons for spending time with me in the first place.


I feel in-superior to him.

Reason A: Achieved 45/45 IB points

Reason B: Accepted to best law firm in London

Reason C: Generally interesting, articulate and intelligent

Reason D: Has enough money to sacrifice for experiences/travel/good food


I feel like I can’t compare to him, like he lives on another planet, another entire level to my existence.

I want to know what he sees in me. Not to boost my self confidence but to find out what other people find attractive in me because I am very self aware that guys only flirt with girls to achieve certain physical pleasures.

I would rather woo with the metaphysical than physical.


Also I never know if he is exaggerating when we message. He replies constantly faster than I do, hopefully because he is a fast typer but what interests me is how he creates concepts and ways of controlling the conversation in seconds. For example, I brought up gym and exercising from which he then presents himself as a master of yoga techniques for two. Again, I told him I have been designated chef for two weeks, then he asks if I am a good cook and adds that he is a good cook, which is an attractive quality in a guy. Which then twists the conversation towards his flawless qualities. Obviously it’s not cool to say I am a phenomenal cook because that would be lying but then I can’t also bring myself down either by saying I can cook decently. In short, I have learnt R takes risks by allusions to ideas which I then reply to in a way that reveals my true character without knowing his.


On the other hand I know that not everything is planned to the detail. I am probably obsessing over everything, which is arguably acceptable because he can present himself in a positive light while I am analysing him in a blog post. Wow this is alarming.


On the way home from Pret, I tried to remember where we met, so here is a brief time line:

Feb/March 2016: Met at friend G’s party, R arrived to party with good friend N. I did not really talk to both because they were far too attractive to talk to.

March 2016: Started dating N

April/May/June: Still dating N, went on a walk with R to a park I think?? All I remember was talking about summer plans looking over W-Park Lake. I can’t remember where I met, and what we did afterwards

June/july: still dating N, went to Prom. Prom photo of N and R (with me in middle)

July: Broke up with N,

Oct: N and R go to same uni

Dec/Jan: see N at bar, awkward convo

Jan: chilled catch up with R, turned into more than catch up in P- Boathouse after some wine.   When he returned from interview we met up again, expected things to be more physical but no, which I am happy about. Slightly awkward convo because sc was very innuendo heavy

Now: Asked me out for V-day


morally conflicted …




3 thoughts on “Blast to the Past

  1. Just enjoy it, I’m sure if he likes you it’s because you have great qualities. Don’t deprecate yourself either, if you are both awesome cooks that’s even better. You can treat him to nice meals and he can you. See how it pans out, the more time you spend together the more you will find out if he is right for you. In terms of what he’s looking for it’s best to ask outright so he can honestly answer and you know what is on his mind. Interesting read 😊👍🏼


    1. Thanks for your comment! Really, I do appreciate these kind words 🙂 I wish I could spend more time with him, however he’s six hours away at Uni which makes things slightly more complicated..
      I hope this blog is relatable to you in some way or another!

      Liked by 1 person

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