Awakening

What do I have to say?

Really. What is my purpose?

What character am I?

 

Character? Certainly a character.

Just an empty character in someone else’s story.

 

Humans; Homo sapiens decidedly ignore that we are actually insignificant.

As individuals, we were not created as the main character in society. Instead it is our responsibility to make ourselves the life we want.

 

While I hold a hypothetical  ideology that I am the protagonist in my life

Am I really that life changing to others?

Do I have a story? My own story?

 

How much would my autobiography be worth?

 

Actually the right question to ask is

would anyone pick up my life story in the first place?

Would they read the final words? Or find something better to do?

 

Three ways to create a best selling narrative:

Plan every social interaction. Make notes on conversation. Desire conventional ambitions.

Carpe diem. YOLO. Do as my present desires hope for.

Create an ideal. Do something long term. Live for others.

 

Yet none of these options really appeal to me despite the final method appearing to be most favourable.

 

What I struggle most with is conversation. I feel like I have nothing useful to say.

Damned filter.

Intrinsically I know that the only way I can get better is by talking more, opening up and sharing myself,

but the problem is- I think that I have nothing worth sharing. I lack humour, sarcasm and an inventive mindset.

 

Perfectionism. A tragic, tragic flaw.

 

Solutions.

This is not a story. We can write our own lives.

This means we can manipulate our own character.

Erase a so called predetermined character.

 

It’s strange how little I know about my friends at school although I’ve known them for a year and a half. The fact that they are good friends already conveys me as an outsider which I feel like I can’t change. What if I start talking to them now? I will not be as good friends with them as they are with eachother.

One of my biggest preconceptions is that they talk about me between eachother. It’s understandable. Because I was the first girl to meet a guy personally at a party. So really I’m this pretty face with no social skills.

While the most important thing until May is revision, I can’t help but worry what I am doing with myself. I can argue that all of my good friends are away at Uni, they are moving on with students up there while I’m left at home, trying to perfect my work and school life.

 

Do I even have a purpose?

Or am I waiting.

 

Nothing comes of nothing

W. Shakespeare

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