FRAZZLED – 10 March 2018

I feel frazzled.

I dont have many commitments

I think i am over thinking what i have to do

but i dont know what to do.

I know I need to list everything i want to do and need to do but i dont know where to start because there is too much to think about and i feel incapable of managing real life and social life

i had a fun formal last night but made a poor decision of getting with my neighbour whom i dont really talk to and now i feel slightly awkward about it, and my bestie A has other better besties who she will probably tell

Is it bad that i find A’s best friend very attractive even though she really wants to be with him. It will honestly break her heart. I cannot tell her.

I cannot tell many people many things because i feel like they dont care

I signed up to the student conference without really knowing anyone and I feel like an odd one out, but i need to love everyone and GET INVOLVED in life rather than being scared of it.

Its 4pm and i feel like I havent achieved much


everything takes time and i have so much to do and i feel overwhelmed with the fact that this time last year i was already revising. I find it so hard to stay academically motivated in a college environment with a roommate because i can hardly keep my own head screwed on.

I have too many calendars and things in different places, i feel like my life is a mess because i keep saying yes to things

dont forget to call mom and dad

i need to sort out my life, hit gym and sport and good body and academics and HOW

too much

send help




Second Semester at University

It’s so strange being back at uni.

In London over Christmas, I was contemplating dropping out. Crazy. Why?

  1. I feel like I haven’t made actual good friends but fake ones.
  2. I feel like I’m pretending, like I’m not a real person, but what people want me to be like.
  3. I introduce myself to everyone but don’t follow up on meetings so that I think that people think I am a flaker.
  4. I share a room and my roommate intimidates me by her apparent maturity.
  5. I feel alone.
  6. It’s hard keeping up with lectures, extracurricular things and other commitments. I want to get involved with everything and know everyone but that’s physically not possible.
    1. At my audiologist meeting, my consultant told me not to overstretch myself and place myself in surrounds I feel comfortable in, which means
      1. getting to seminars early to get a good seat,
      2. go to different eating times to avoid unmanageable loudness.
  7. I feel like everyone is talking about me. WHICH IS NOT THE CASE.
  8. I’m so behind on work and I’m pretty sure Im going to get a formal notice for not handing in an essay.
  9. I have no idea how people manage to socialise, do work and have fun??? and sleep ofc.
  10. Stress


Before lectures started I felt happy to be back. I loved the way that Aur. gave me a massive hug when I arrived. I feel like I’m imposing on her space, but in reality thats not the case. I do me. I felt included, like I had a purpose, but my speech filter rose again over Brunch with her friends at Bills.

I made a resolution to go to bed earlier, look after myself and focus on my degree, but I also get contradicting pieces of advice not to take things too seriously and “just get by”. I’m an all in type of girl.

As soon as I got to Thursday Church, everything changed. I felt isolated different, alone. I don’t feel like I belong in the Church setting which upsets me. Is this because I’m not truly a Christian? Or is this because I’m not sociable enough like them. I need help. I need to pray? I can see all the friendships forming, the closeness, the inside jokes. The worst part is, it’s too echo-y to always hear what people are doing.

I feel like I’m stuck in a position of stasis. The people I hang out with don’t CHANGE. I need change. Plans, interests. I just can’t deal with the same. I feel like we’re not on the same page, which makes it really awkward over lunch/dinner. Also I don’t like J. He’s an awful influence on my morality, ethics and language. I feel like they don’t care.

I’m learning social cues. Perhaps I need to watch more movies to do so.






[A response to One Word Prompts]

Allergies can be defined as a (generally) negative immune system responses to an object in close proximity. Common knowledge presumes an object, a good, provokes an allergy, like grass, wheat, lactose, dust, peanuts. But can an allergy occur from an abstract concepts such as social situations and communication? I argue yes.

First, social situations will be analysed. Social situations are defined as situations in which two or more Homo Sapiens spend time, sharing experiences, ideas and memories together. In this context, one feels obliged to fit in, to share a common knowledge, diction and lexis in order to be respected by the rest of the group. Such a situation may be stressful to some. This stress may then promote other symptoms such as difficulty sleeping or social anxiety. Not only is an allergy is a physical reaction, it is also a signal to avoid something. Therefore one may begin to avoid social situations, awkward small talk, and frielence*.

Communication, in much of the same way, particularly over social media, can result in many of the same symptoms. In this case the human response are delayed replies. Messages can be shared. Young people now accept that what is said on any platform will be shared in a friendship circle, particularly a tight one. Perputations begin to develop. Writing (even messenger and snapchat) block begin. The fear of being judged for everything you say begins to overcome your life. As with any physical object, one begins to find one’s phone is no longer imperative, messages begin to accumulate, stress begins to build. Some may have an allergy to their phone, despite the fact that 2018 still is the beginning of the technological revolution.

Homo Sapiens  are born to be social creatures, yet depression, social anxiety and mental health issues have risen to unprecedented levels. Are people frightened of social interaction? Do people avoid certain interactions? I argue, yes.

Allergies to talking to people exist.


*The awkwardness of knowing someone for a long period of time without having anything meaningful to say.


New Words for a New Year

Another blog post is overdue.

I have found that I observe people more and more rather than participating. While reading Pride and Prejudice, I notice myself taking notes on mannerisms and the response of other people, particularly in scenes where daughters converse about potential husbands. (see below for brief analysis)

I have also thought a great deal about The Canadian Guy. We’ve been out, we’ve been to first, but not a great deal more. Signs: eyes open, see him more as a good friend, I think I have platonic feelings for him rather than romantic. In fact, I learnt about this feeling with the F situation, and want to avoid a repeat. Rate him 7/10. I’m also aware of the lack of topics I can talk about (maybe because I don’t do enough?) I feel so guilty about this, because he is a great guy and I want to spend more time with him but at the same time I don’t want to give him too many ideas.

I have had virtually no action with anyone. Should I? I don’t want to end up as a third year with no experiences, while similatneiously I am protect my virginity for some unknown reason.

I used to think I got on with guys more, but the situation has changed. the more time I spend with guys the more ideas they get even if I don’t want to be anything more! And then I begin to question, should I pursue something in order to experience? I worry about what they would say to my friends.

Another thing I have learnt at DUni are the different types of friendships. Exhibit A: Nikki who wanted me to help her with her essay is a course friend who wanted me to send her recordings. LOL NO. Exhibit B: Kam, who I think I will actually be friends with. She gets shit done and doesn’t care what people think of her yet is open and kind and has nothing to hide. Exhibit C: Course Guys are so fucking annoying. Exihbit D: when I meet new people I automatically assume that they know other people who have a negative impression of me, so I don’t talk to much (a downward spiral). Exhibit E: we don’t have to like people in roles of JCR socs, but I need to have a rapport with them.

I don’t feel like I have made a proper group yet, I’m in a house yet I dont feel included BECAUSE I DONT MAKE AN EFFORT WITH THEM TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH THEM. I worry now because K, An and Susie, are going on a ski trip, Rach is irrelevant, M is very very quiet and Rosie does loads of sport, other than that I don’t really know what she does, but she’s close to N P-G. I don’t know these girls very well at all, and now S and K will be quite close. Am I missing out? Experiences yes, but I can still make an effort with them.


  • gossip
  • essay, work
  • interesting stories
  • PLANS!- but not stupid ones like inviting the entire hallway to something and not talking to my hall mates. lololol

Several things I think I need to work on this coming term is my organisation, keeping arrangements and general time management. I feel like my standards have slipped in these soft skills.

  • Action: use my black task book and daily diary to plan my day and week, and copy into iCalendar.  Print a weekly calendar for my desk. Use my wall calander. Remember that the brain needs time to relax. Go to bed at 11pm on non-club out days. Organise bonding sesh on most evenings. Get my reading done before uni starts again. GET SOME DECENT GARMENTS. Finally, stop stressing about everything! As long as I look presentable and can be positive, and talkative everything will be ok!

Why I don’t talk a lot

  • lack of vocab
  • lack of experiences (uhh questionable)
  • “I don’t know what to say”
  • Fear of being judged
  • I don’t have a very good social filter
  • Stressed about work
  • I don’t appreciate the present


I want to return to uni with a new perspective, I want to be kind, open, and funny. I want to be organised. I want to be a better room mate which includes giving her some time in the room alone as well. I want to be more respectful, more driven, understand what is going on in the JCR and friends.


Quotes from Jane Austin’s “Pride and Prejudice” that mean something to me:

  • “ she derives part of her abilities from her rank and fortune, part from her authoritative manner, and the rest from the pride for her nephew” Ch16 (Lady Catherine’s manners were descried as “her manners were dictatorial and insolent”
    • do people analyse where abilities and characteristics are from?
  • Ch16- “abominable pride” can do good: “Family price and filial pride has led Mr Darcy to be “liberal and generous, to give his money freely, to display hospitality, to assist his tenants, and relieve the poor.”
  • Ch16 “This is quite shocking! He deserves to be publicly disgraced.” “Some time or other he will be—but it shall not be by me. Till I can forget his father, I can never defy or expose him.”
    • lesson: do not expose/snake on other people
  • “Mr. Collins seemed to sink into insignificance; to the young ladies he certainly was nothing; but he had still at intervals a kind listener in Mrs. Phillips, ”

    “Mrs. Phillips was very glad for his compliance, but could not wait for his reason.”

    • lesson: this is a consequence when one becomes INSIGNIFICANT
  • “I hope I never ridicule what is wise and good. Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies, do divert me, I own, and I laugh at them whenever I can. But these, I suppose, are precisely what you are without.”


  • “commonest, dullest, most threadbare topic might be rendered interesting by the skill of the speaker.”
    • lesson: learn the skill of speaking


Simon Mohun: Money, Finance and Crisis

Simon Mohun

  • affiliated with Queen Mary’s University, London.
  • Focus on income inequality and profitability


Money and banking

  • Traditional money theory is a progression from barter to money to credit.
  • But incorrect theory: in C19 France used all three
    • Rural economy= barter
    • National economy = silver (eg trade on roadside etc)
    • International economy = bill of exchange
  • Medieval tally sticks were used as a way of recording debts. Wooden sticks inscribed and split in half so debtor would hold the “foil” and the creditor would hold the “stock.” The tally was worth the agreed money in it’s own right so that soon it became circulating until it was utterly separate from the original transaction.
  • The development of central banking followed the challenges between private/ monarch and state money
    • UK 97% “broad money”
  • Lending creates deposits to lend

Bernanke 2008/2015

  • testified to US Senate FCIC “worst since Great Depression but actually privately thought it was the  “worst crisis in human history” due to the number of insitutions involved and the broad effects it had


Explanations of the financial crisis

  • misaligned incentives,
  • deregulation leading to excessive leverage
  • In the whole sale money markets,
    • bondholders wanted cash (liquidity)
    • cash holders wanted bonds (security)

At the end of the Great Depression, the banking industry was heavily regulated. The 3-6-3 rule dominated, leading to monopoly profits.

At end of 70s the deposit and loan sides of banking became under pressure:

  • on the corporate loans side, junk bonds (JB) and commercial bonds (CB) got issued because…(?)
    • jb- short term
    • cb- long term
  •  deposit side, deposit rate ceilings meant that banks lost profits to the money market mutual fund MMMF,  due to JB and CB.
  • there was a demand for bank liquidity due to falling bank profitability.

therefore in 80s the markets became deregulated.


  •  debt generating a flow of payments can be securitised and transformed into an asset to be traded as a bond.
  • bonds depend on the underlying source of payments (eg mortgage payments)
  • is a large and growing market:
    • 1985= $1.2 bn
    • 2005= $1 949.9bn

Restructuring of banks 80s

  • originate to hold models became orginate to distribute models

In financial crisis, Deuche bank securitised the purchase of credit default swaps. Ie they bet against those who bet against deuche bank.

Link to inequality:

  • 1% income earners as a proportion of GDP increased from 1987 to 2008 worldwide, and so became large holders of cash
    • Cash could be spent on
      • commercial papers,
      • commeical bank deposits
      • US treasury (China and SE Asia held stocks too high)
  • Increase in cash pools due to inequality

Neoliberalism financial system

  • origins 70s-79
  • ascension: 79-89
  • decline 89-07
  • collapse: 07-16

US house bubble caused the crisis via repo

  • repo= repurchase agreement of a sale with securities with the agreement that the same security will be bought back at an agreed higher price in the short term future.
  • 1 borrowers could not refinance
  • 2 cash flows were under complex securities and dried up

52 books to read

  1.  Pride and Prejudice
  2. Lord of the rings
  3. Jane Eyre- C Bronte
  4. Harry Potter
  5. To Kill a Mocking Bird
  6. The Bible
  7. Wuthering Heights
  8. 1984- G Orwell
  9. Animal Farm – Orwell
  10. His Dark Materials P Pulman
  11. Great Expectations C Dickens
  12. Little Women- Lousia May Alcott
  13. Tess of the D’ubervilles- Thomas  Hardy
  14. Catch 22- J Heller
  15. Complete works of Shakespeare
  16. Rebecca- Daphne du Maurier
  17. The Hobbit
  18. Birdsong- Faulks
  19. The catcher in the Rye
  20. The hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
  21. The time traveller’s wife
  22. Middle match
  23. gone with the wind
  24. the great gatsby 
  25. Bleak House- Dickens
  26. Wart Peace- Tolstoy
  27. Brideshead revisited Waugh
  28. Crime and punishment0 Dostoyevky
  29. Grapes of wrath
  30. Alice in wonderland
  31. The wind in the willows
  32. David copperfield
  33. Anna Karemina
  34. The Chronical of Narnia
  35. Emma- Austen
  36. Persuasion – Austen
  37. Lion Witch and the Wardrobe
  38. The Kite runner
  39. Captain Corelins Mandolin – Berniere
  40. Memories of Geishen – Golden (A)
  41. Winnie the Pooh
  42. The Da Vinci Code- D Brown
  43. 100 years of Solitude G G Marquez
  44. A prayer for Owen meany
  45. The woman in white- W Collins
  46. Anee of Green Gables- LM Montanery
  47. Far from the Maddening Crowd- T Hardy
  48. The Handmaid’s tale- M Atwood
  49. Lord of the Flies- W Golding
  50. Attonement L McEwan
  51. Life of Pi
  52. Dune- F Herbert

Week 7

There is so much that I need to say but I don’t even know how to go about it. I feel like an inadequate person; not genuine, not trustworthy; nothing.

I feel like I have no strengths, no identity. No morals. No values. How do I go about making values? I feel like I have become a massively changed person. With a solid friendship group I didn’t have to try making friends. I already had enough of a social life to satisfy myself. On reflection I’ve realised that the only thing I did was not make enough of an effort.

A current trend is that I don’t make an effort with people. I make promises and then don’t follow through with them. I make plans and then cancel. Why is this? Am I scared about making the wrong impression? I need to stop worrying about life but live it without the fear of other people judging me.

I feel like people are talking about me, don’t trust me and genuinely want to avoid me because I lack a social circle at the moment. I don’t know what to say to people.


Another thing I have realised I need to work on is my typing pace. I simply do not type fast enough to keep up with what is being said. I have a wonderful laptop but I cannot make the best use of it. I also lack the language required to write anything coherent let alone speak. Alas my communication verbal and written is shoddy quality. It’s a real shame that I have not managed to sort this out before university. I really don’t understand how this all happened. Things were so good and now so bad.

  • signed up to touch typing classes
  • asked to volunteer at the food bank on Saturdays _WHY??
  •  Need to start recording who I talk to and what I say!

I have so many formatives to do.


Also, major issue, people keep saying I look very beautiful and look gorgeous. How can I stop listening to them. It’s not healthy at all.

I’m eating more Marylands.


Ankita wants to take a gap year, do international business at masters level and go travelling.

Kaira also wants to take a year out to travel to

Aurelie is into environmental charities, played diplomacy, has done a lot of experimental things with guys in the past and as a result is much more mature than most.

went for a walk with ed and Ankita, I feel like I am not at their level. Boarding school or no?